Monday, January 21, 2013

Right, so it has been a long time since I've been on here (which is what I save every time). So, here is a brief synopsis of my life now. I graduated from College (yay!) and student loans started coming due (boo!). However, I also got a pretty sweet job, so I am not part of the graduated-and-am-screwed portion of my graduating class (How the eff I managed that, I will never know, but I'm not gonna complain). So, onto my job. If you've read this at all, you know that I am not "normal," so it is expected that my job is not "normal." What do I do? I take care of bears, and some other creatures as well; but mainly bears. Basically, I work as an animal keeper for north american wildlife and an animal handler for bear cubs. As of right now, I'm helping to raise 6 cubs and our next set will be due shortly. When I say next set, I mean roughly 12-16 cubs that will need to be fed every 2 hours, so once that hits if my entries seem like they were written by a drugged out prostitute with 6 trick babies you will know why. Now, onto the stories:
             I am currently cold and in pain. Why, you ask? Because I have the coordination of a drunken elephant with inner ear issues who also has things possessed by demons on a regular basis. Allow me to explain. I am sore because the other day, I fell down my stairs. It was more of a jauntily bounced-down-the-stairs-on-my-ass kind of fall, which resulted in a bruise in the shape of a stair spanning the length of my ass with a few perfectly circular bruises in the form of nail heads (they were outdoor stairs). I then proceeded to trip over the wire in the cub yard not once, not twice, but 5 times in the last week. 5. I had to ghetto rig my car to start it because the tumbler in my ignition broke WITH MY KEY IN IT, in the ON position. Now given, that was like a year ago, but if you read above you will notice the mention of student loans; hence the ghetto rigging.
            Then, last night I can't sleep (which has been an issue the past two weeks; in fact it has reached the level where I start to hum and sway and don't realize it) and decide to take a hot shower. But, because I pissed off some deity somewhere, my hot water is spontaneously not working. Then to make matters worse, when I turn the shower off it doesn't turn off. It just keeps flowing like it's the friggin nile. At this point, I am sleep deprived and am convinced the devil has taken over my shower head and is raininy unholy water down upon me like a curse. I run out of the bathroom in a panic, because I am not one who fixes shit,. and ask my great dane what to do. She then promptly barfs all over the floor. I take this as a sign that my house is haunted by angry demon ghosts, but take pity on my dog and clean her mess. Once it's clean however, I do the very adult thing of opening the bathroom door, staring st satan's shower, then proceeding to close the door and pretend like nothing happened. I head to bed, but unfortunately, while laying there I can still hear the demonic babbling of the shower water bouncing off the shower floor. So, I shut my bedroom door; which was a no go. At this point, most people would have arisen again, determined to solve the problem. However, I (being one who does not fix shit), take the high road and crank up music and proceed to pass out.
     I arise in a groggy, zombie-like stupor in the morning mumbling about needing coffee before I cut someone, stumble into the bathroom, see the shower STILL running. Curse the heavens, mumble something unintelligible about Satan showers and proceed to leave. I then have the joy of having a mini-asthma attack while shoveling snow. I am not convinced an evil entity is stalking me and mentally berate the ghost, informing it that the stalkee should not be aware of the stalker and that he needs ninja lessons. The maintenance guy finally makes it over and turns off the evil nile and heads out, so I get home (freezing) and wish for a hot shower only to find my hot water is mysteriously back on. This leaves me to say: WTF. That is all, now it is time for me to go to red robin and stuff my face like a fat kid.